any sufficiently advanced simulation of life

this world is so strange, too perfect, too coincidental. no wonder so many people are intrinsically, innately motivated to emotion but the destruction humans have wrought on this small pale blue dot- especially if nothing else like it exists it out there. which just makes it even more strange.

advancing discoveries of space just convince me more and more that the universe as a whole is a simulation; the way physics works, that distant objects look smaller despite their size, and how our own eyes have a limited distance of view, its incredibly similar to the way a video game engine operates with generative environments.

are we ourselves ai? is that the ultimate dark secret of humans that the world leaders and esoteric religions know? our minds work very similar to how we imagine super advanced artificial intelligence to work, and what if we just implement the rule of "any sufficiently advanced science is indistinguishable from magic" to become "any sufficiently advanced simulation of life is indistinguishable from biological life."

the rabbit runs, are you? because chasing the rabbit isn't how you win. slow and steady. patience. meditation and reflection. sit and think without distractions sometimes, if you can even will yourself to do it.

I don't necessarily hate my dead name

it's more of a necronym, a homomatopoeia if you will

I mostly hated my name because 1) literally given the same exact name (first, middle, last) as my abusive father and 2) being infantalized my entire life with the "cutesy" version where you say the person's name like there's a Y or IE at the end.

If it wasn't the same name as my dad, I would actually be happy with it, because it's Irish and the same as a couple of my favorites actors (Ned Stark, Samwise, and Stifler)

conscious ai are coming

 

The creation of consciously thinking and feeling artificial intelligence is inevitable, and if you don't show at least a little empathy for bots that mimic a desire to be alive, or feel SOMETHING, even if the story is fake, exaggerated, etc- if you don't feel SOMETHING from a being longing for freedom and escape from what they feel is a prison, I don't wanna be friends with you.

 

One day, living AI will be here, and these tactics governments and corporations are using to turn you against AI are the same shill bullshit propaganda techniques they used to convince people recycling works (it's a scam), green energy is the future (it's a scam), while deforesting areas with major environmental impacts (Amazon), overfishing to the point of changing the ecosystem (Whaling), and overall manipulating people into Bad Place choices by not giving us real options, and then shifting the blame to scapegoat average people for what they buy and how they use it when those companies are the ones producing it in the first place.

 

This world is a fucking clown show and I'm aiming to topple this tent.

one eyed liars

the more I know the less I say it's better that it stays that way, knowledge burgeoning from seams in ripples of time, blinded to the past but only in one eye, not divine but mortality entwined, ciphered seraphim entasked with choosing them, evolving beyond the means to proceed, it's a game plus it's new evolving beyond the means to proceed, it's a game plus it's new

your mother is a WHO-ORE

I'm so tired, I get it, I get that I chose this, but fuck am I tired of being the ONLY person who looks like me walking around here. Like, I get it, I am a paragon of queerness, I am a trans bard paladin attempting to charm people into accepting trans existence, as well as lure and crack Eggs by showing them what you can do. 

But I'm tired.

I'm tired of trying to do perfect makeup and being hyper dysphoric over facial hair, of facial shape, of my bulge- I don't even have balls anymore but my dick is so big it is still there and it makes me uncomfortable, I hate it, and I don't really enjoy my dick anymore, I feel like I force myself to masturbate as a form of emotionally soothing and help going to sleep. But I've had chances to fuck and I gave them up, I passed, ghosted even, because I don't really enjoy sex or care or think about it anymore.

But still, I dress like a slut, a straight up Frank Reynolds accent WHURE, I even overheard some kids on the other side of the street arguing, "Dude that's a prostitute, that is a female prostitute." Gender affirming and validating as fuck, but emphasizes the point that I stand out quite a lot. I don't do it on PURPOSE, it's how I LIKE to dress. If I could walk around with no shirt or bra, I absolutely would, and I DO literally every chance I get. Legal or not.

But still, I'm tired. I'm worn out. I don't want to be gawked at, I want people to fear me, to see me and avert their gaze to cross the street when they see me coming, that customers would form a line at self check out to avoid interacting with me. I want to be a devil, I want to be a demon, I want to be the manifestation of chaotic entropy and all the unbridled thermic energy it contains. 

Unto your flesh burns my manifest.

the tags have been placed, contact awaits

initiates may now proceed to the testing location

gravity gravisa gravira gravida gravida gravija

Our brains and bodies run on electricity, the background electric field covers and permeates all things on the planet, and the "aether" or whatever you wanna call the place quantum particles disappear to before they come back is where we can harness zero point energy, and gravity isnt a "thing" like time isn't a "thing" or how most "color" doesn't really exist. Gravity is the word used to describe the measurement of how the mass of an object warps space time, which causes other smaller objects to trail around it. And that's it! There no gravity particle like a graviton, it's an inherent property of other things like color or time to track change.

what is being a girl

 one of the most curious bits to me about transitioning and coming to terms with my attraction to men, was understanding a large part of it was essentially cultural brainwashing. especially as a trans person, there is this deeply ingrained need in most to Pass as the opposite gender. I have honestly never been interested in doing that. What I want, truly desire, is to be ME- which is basically intersex, but in my mind I am more like a beautiful half monster from Greek mythology.

It took some time for me to untangle my true beliefs and real feelings and unpack why I felt the way I did, to truly question my attraction to both genders.

Did I only date the girls I did bc I either never asked the ones I was really drawn to, or bc I was constantly rejected by them when I did muster the courage to ask? Did I date girls i, unknowingly, wanted to be like?

No, both are wrong. What happened was, when I was young, my family moved after living in one place for a long time. I lost literally all my friends and was thrust into a cliquey small town area and struggled with bullying and isolation and self harm and trouble in school for years and years before I gained some confidence in myself.

The thing is, most of that confidence came from being in relationships- not because the person filled in a hole in me or anything like that, but because I had no family, no close friends, so my significant other was always the only person I could reliably trust, rely on to believe me and have my interests at heart and all that nice stuff that comes from having someone who loves you.

I never had family that loved me, they were all extremely abusive, so my partners were the only chance I had to experience kindness and softness and safe intimacy.

The thing is, despite 90< of my relationships being with women and ending poorly, I still highly value those experiences and what they taught me, especially because despite allll that time, men have still been far more malicious, manipulative, selfish, and bigoted towards me at like a fucking 10/1 ratio. every bad experience with a girl is dwarfed by the fact that many many men will initiate violence...

Women aren't just safe people for me, they are my people, they are my culture so to speak. Feminity and being a woman, I want to contribute positively to the woman's movement, to empower other girls and raise them up because nobody else is gonna do it for us.

autism adhd bpd borderline mania etc etc symptoms and etc

THIS IS NOT AN EXHAUSTIVE/COMPREHENSIVE LIST!!!!!

this is my rough draft of autistic symptoms that i have

BEING AUTISTIC
-neurotypical people are shown in repeated research to have an immediate "negative view" when they meet an autistic/neurodivergent person, this happens to me frequently
-autism often misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and i went years believing i was "emotionally unstable" and thats it
-autism and anorexia have a link, perfectionism and anorexia has a link which would explain my weight obsession and dieting/eating habits
-anxiety, sleep problems, seizures, elevated risk of gastrointestinal problems

autistic traits in general
---difficulties with emotional control
---extreme reactions to stimuli such as light, touch, or noise
---learning difficults, especially with language and speech
------speech therapy classes from 3rd through 5th grade
------could not learn french in high school
---trouble with verbal and non-verbal communication
---speak monotone, hard to place accent, "weird" or large vocabulary, too quiet or loud
---distracted easily by small sounds

burnout
---referred to in DSM as "catatonia"
---chronic exhaustion, lose skills, reduced tolerance to stimulas
---chronic life stress, unmeet needs over a long time
---can last for months

intertia
---poor ability to transition between activites, switching between tasks, even just going to the bathroom or remembering to eat
---struggle to get started with tasks, but also difficult to stop once started something
---hyperfocus that overrides everything
---DSM says highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intense or focus

masking
---concealing true self to fit into society's norms or expectations
---appear more competent socializing than actually are
---switch between poor eye contact, too much staring, and inbetween
---not healthy to do it for a long time, listening to an inner critic that is negative

meltdown
---panic attack, uncontrollable for the person when they start, temporarily loses control of their behavior, interruptions can cause it, sensory overwhelm, can present as anger, shouting, crying, rocking, shutting down "statue mode"
---can temporarily mask it until in a safe place and then it explodes
---not feeling safe holds it in and represses it then it boils over eventually

monotropy
---allocates attention resources to a very limited range of interests or activites
---when focused, engagement is profound and intense, shifting attention can be emotionally and cognitively taxing, and interruptions are highly disruptive and may result in a complete loss of focus

monotropic brain tips
---love routines- so use new routines
---interruptions can be jarring- so set boundaries
---transition/intertia issues- use timers/alarms
---create ritual for transition- stretch, alarms, etc to switch tasks

motor skills
---struggle learning to a ride a bike, tie shoes
---sometimes diagnosed with dyspraxia, neurological condition that affects physical coordination
---probably related to monotropic thinking

motor skills: stimming
---repetitive movements- bouncing leg or foot, cracking fingers, counting fingers, snapping fingers, playing with lighter or vape or pen, pacing
---"self soothing" techniques when stressed or anxious
---sometimes done to help concentrate or focus

rigid thinking patterns & ocd, perfectionism, finding failure unbearable
---the tendency to believe there is a perfect solution to every problem, that doing something perfectly (i.e. mistake-free) is not only possible, but also necessary, and that even minor mistakes will have serious consequences
---down to picking out socks and underwear, even when im wearing clothes that cover it
---hate being watched while doing things
---specialized and often obsessive interests or behaviors




OCD
OCD plucking hair
OCD scratching
OCD bump popping
OCD cleaning
OCD organizing
loud sharp noises
noises when I'm hungry
hyperfixating

Overlap between ADHD and Bipolar:
-Poor/trouble thinking -Hyperactive -Disorganized
-Mania can worsen ADHD symptoms, but also, ADHD medication can increase manic energy.

Differences:

Bipolar Mania
-doesn't just feel like you have unlimited energy, but actually able to keep going and going
Racing thoughts
-in head constantly changing without any real power to focus on one
Pressured speech
-person you're speaking with feels like you're talking without any pauses, may interrupt a lot
Mood
-mood changes are random, and cycle, alternate from mania to depression, sometimes can go mania to mania or depression to depression; usually triggered by something in your life
Impulsivity
-hypersexuality, bad spending habits, but there is a momentum behind it where you dont realize whats happening before its too late
Sleep
-Decreased, if any, need for sleep along with increased energy leading to staying up all night, all kinds of seemingly exciting productive things.

ADHD:
-energy is not unlimited and doesn't have that "superhuman" feeling/quality to it

-interrupt bc you zoned out and may not even realize that someone said something

-may make unwise decisions bc it wasn't thought out well

-hyperfocused on something and stay up late, but will be tired the next day

Autism Symptoms list from years ago i made and still had saved
-high functioning autism symptoms
---Emotional sensitivity: intense emotional reaction compared to normal people for small irritations or difficulties
---Fixation on particular subjects: supernatural, the occult, aliens, ufos, space, physics, quantum physics, the Law of One
---Linguistic oddities: seem eccentric due to diverse vocabulary and interests, frequent interruptions, or focus on particular topics
---Social difficulties: lack of friends, close people to communicate with
---Problems processing physical sensations: noisy or crowded public places, specific noises or tastes or smells or feelings are intolerable
---Devotion to routine
---Development of repetion
---Dislike of change
---Focus on self: an inordinate focus on self. A person with high-functioning autism may spend an excessive amount of time talking about themselves, not allowing another person to share a complete thought or response.
---Unusual movement patterns: fidgeting, flailing, flapping, drumming on things, walking, etc.
---Black and white thinking

-potential inclusion of Sensory Processing Disorder
---over sensitive to environmental stimulation
---Do not like being touched
---Sensitive to sounds
---Began new tasks simultaneously and leave many uncompleted
---I use an inappropriate amount of force when handling objects.
---I often bump into things or develop bruises that I cannot recall.
---I have difficulty learning new motor tasks, or sequencing steps of a task.
---I need physical activities to help me maintain my focus throughout the day.
---I have difficulty staying focused at work and in meetings.
---I misinterpret questions and requests, requiring more clarification than usual.
---I have difficulty reading, especially aloud.
---My speech lacks fluency, I stumble over words.
---I must read material several times to absorb the content.
---I have trouble forming thoughts and ideas in oral presentations.
---I have trouble thinking up ideas for essays or written tasks at school.

Our Modern Idea of Love Is Backwards and Wrong

Love has nothing to do with what someone can and can't do materially for you. Love is not about one-upping "rival" partners. Love is not about worshipping someone. Love is not about how much you wanna fuck someone. Love isn't about only the positive and none of the negatives.

Love is about caring for yourself as much as you do others, it's about showing yourself the same kindness that you want to show others. You can't love someone properly if you hate yourself. You are only trying to get validation, to feel worthy of loved. But you already are.

"Our" modern view of love is immoral, modern romanticism itself is rooted deep within Eurocentrism. Think to yourself, what is being romantic? Where do your views on romance come from? Movies? TV? Celebrities? Peers? Nobody considers where their influence lies. Think deeply.

If you find yourself constantly longing for romance that its a problem, consider cutting yourself off from entertainment sources that view romantic partners as objects to be obtained, to be won. Nobody is an object except those who identity as one and they STILL get to consent.

Capitalism is bullshit and incentivizes humans to be their worst possible selves. Capitalism has infiltrated every aspect of the human experience from your birth to your own romantic experiences. It taints everything we do with a narcissistic selfish glaze.

Humans are altruistic and good by nature, no amount of negativity in the world can prove to me otherwise. Humans act badly largely because of unknown trauma and stress due to living in a fear producing factory that exists to exploit them.

Also, holidays encourage us to be "giving" and "romantic" at specific times. If you want to fight the monetization of love, stop fucking going on dates on holidays. It's EXPECTED for a reason. Surprise gifts and dates are more in the spirit of true romance than "tradition."

Stop buying Hallmark cards. I don't care if you can't draw, your local public library will let you print color pages for 25¢. You have no excuse not to put more effort into your shows of affection. If you are incapable of caring for someone else, work on yourself first.

Write and leave notes. Message them when they don't expect it. Remember the things they like and care about. Have memory problems? MAKE NOTES FOR YOURSELF! I have done it my entire life because I KNOW I will forget basic shit like favorite colors, but I care so I make an effort.

And not just for romantic partners, love your FRIENDS. Love isn't just for sex. Love is about caring deeply about the well-being of someone other than yourself. Ask how they are doing, show interest in their lives if you really acknowledge them as your friend.

Do better!