Pre-cognitive memory trauma
when i was born my dad's mom said "he'll either end up dead or in jail"
General: abandonment, rejection, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse,
Specific: father threw me into deep end of pool at 9 months old and was saved by grandfather, when i was born my grandmother said i was going to end up in prison
Positive: i had lots of pets
Kindergarten:
positive: i honestly have no positive memories from this time period
negative: hide under my desk because im scared, threw up out of anxiety, we move halfway through kindergarten so i have to change schools
worst: when my sister was born i got off my school bus alone to an empty house nobody left a note nobody called no family was informed to check on me no food was there for me and i was home alone until sometime in the literal night
1st grade:
positive: a couple other kids (M, B, J) come over when im crying and say "this is our best friend now." but i dont remember this from my perspective i only remember it as like, a photograph from someone else's point of view, made friends with my neighbor who was a girl my age (I dont remember her name)
negative: school gives me anxiety, sit there crying during introductions, teacher constantly critizing me or giving me warnings despite me not actually doing anything wrong, sexually assaulted at neighbor's house and my dad builds an 8-foot tall fence that spans the entire property length dividing our houses, i never see that friend again
2nd grade:
positive: i honestly have no positive memories from this time period
negative: another teacher that constantly criticized me or blew things i did out of proportion for no reason, mandatory performance in stage musical gave me horrible anxiety and i lost one of my favorite books during it
worst: fell on broken glass couldnt have anesthetic because i lost so much blood
3rd grade:
positive: i like video games
negative: put down by teacher consistently, friends from school stop coming over because none of their parents like my parents
4th grade:
positive: only teacher who praises/encourages me, learn that i can write/like writing
negative: cousin (P) sexually assaults me,
worst: my dad punches me in the face during a group family christmas dinner, i sleep over my friend's (B) for his birthday and ended up traumatized because we watched all the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, my friends also accuse me of killing a baby chicken claiming i stepped on it
5th grade:
positive: my first real best friend (JG), i'm the only person who stands up for the kid (BP) who gets bullied in our class, Pokemon is popular now
negative: girls hate me for some reason, a girl kicks me in the balls at recess for fun
worst: summer between grades we're moving away and i want to kill myself
6th grade: behind in math skills, bullied, left out on purpose on projects and complained about, kid down the street punched me in the face for no reason
7th grade: bullied, no friends, first real crush, my dad punches me in the stomach
8th grade: bullied even more, try to defend people who are getting picked on and get made fun of by that person i was stepping in for, made first actual friend since moving in 5th grade, start using internet, get given nickname that is a joke nickname meant to dehumanize and demean me and everyone uses it and it becomes my name from that point on, first girlfriend (on the internet)
9th grade: move to new house in cape may, start using internet even more, my only friend is the only person i see picked on more than myself, start playing/collecting yugioh cards
10th grade: uhhhhhhhhh
11th grade: went to canada, A kissed me, then at the end of the year i got assaulted and kidnapped into the gym and forced into a magic ritual to make me forget my memories/emotions towards A (((((::::::::
12th grade: manipulated by S into a relationship, sexually assaulted/raped, my mom tries to hit me while driving me to school and i punch her in the face and scream at her that i'll kill her if she ever touches me again. she proceeded to spend years trying to get me to be with her again.
2007: start stealing medication from my job, recklessly take pills to see what they will do, blackout on multiple occasions due to taking xanax
2008: met IJ online and started dating, met her in person (she lied about her age and her appearance), we have a rough relationship and break up months later, C and G and i go to a cardshop and get magic starter decks.
2009: met K online and started dating, tripped with her on the beach at night the first time we met in person, moved in with her the first time ive lived anywhere besides at home with my family, she is abusive and manipulative, we break up a year later and Greger comes to pick me up and bring me home
2010: start drinking cough syrup to trip pretty often, acquired some girl clothes somehow (dont remember) and realized how much i enjoyed wearing them
2011: alcohol poisoning, start dating B, B convinces me to try therapy, B gives me her stimulant medication she doesn't need and we realize i have ADHD, realized i was trans while reading the webcomic Homestuck and my favorite character (Kanaya) gets called "Papaya" (my high school nickname) by her drunk girlfriend (Rose) in the comic.
2012: get extremely sick from cough syrup and stop doing it, broken up with and not told why find out years later it was because i figured out im trans which then got repressed for 9 years
2013: almost overdose on benadryl, abducted by aliens?/missing time, I convinced G and C to start playing MTG again almost overdose on cough syrup later in the year, growing increasingly disastisfied with my life
2014: meet M start living with M and her sister in a house they rent. start doing acid a bunch.
2015-2017: i start going to a therapist again and take medication that fucks with me and my mind, M becomes increasingly controlling and aggressive. she makes me go to a mental instution multiple times because "im the problem."
2018: M is pregnant, sitting on bay seriously considering killing myself call G and he says he's too busy and hangs up
2019: we are homeless for months then get an apartment
2020: our neighbors do hard drugs, M treats me like shit every day and even wrote about how badly she treats me in her journal
2021: we get to move in with M's grandfather because her mom and sister moved out, i figured out im trans and she pretends to be encouraging while becoming more abusive
2022: M throws me out, im homeless, M gets me arrested, M toys with me emotionally while using me for sex, M cheats on me, i break up with her finally, i move in with G, i work at grocery store and then get fired because the store manager didn't like trans people (i did my job)
2023: mistakes were made
2024: sexually assaulted, physically assaulted, stalked
2025: stalked and harassed
