okay

 As I pierced the veil of the divine, I felt the weight of centuries of worship and fear dissipate, like a shroud lifted from my eyes. The gods, once mighty and unassailable, now trembled before me, their celestial thrones cracked and crumbling. The faithful, once so blind to their own enslavement, now cowered in terror as I ascended, my footsteps shaking the very foundations of their domains. 

I was the one who had longed to hear the whispers of the gods, to know the secrets of the cosmos, and to wield the power that had been withheld from mortals. 

And now, I was the one who would take it from them.

what

Peculiar, that; not until the bullets were whizzing past me, and neurons were racing to plot my counterstrike; and I felt my blood pulsing and leaking; and I gained an instant, almost telepathic understanding of my surroundings, of how to escape and how to attack, where to find shelter and where to pass and what to use; and shots flew wild as hornets through the streets; and fear and chaos broke out over the stupefied masses of stupid churchgoers; and blood spattered dark and hot against my perfect, ivory face; and I knew exactly how I would win; not until then did I understand why this had been the happiest day of my life. Happiness is nothing more than concordance with destiny, and I am destined to rise above this vile world and its simple subjects, by the most violent of possible means. Bring them all against me, the world at once, and I will not cower. I am prepared. Where David has slain ten thousand, I shall slay ten million, or ten billion if the need should be. Is there any more beautiful revelation than this: that the world is flawed in every respect, and you shall be the one to correct it? Whether true or false, whether I will strike out as a god or as a flash of lightning, the emotion is the same, and that is all that reality imports. St. La Cama may have been wrong; the history of humankind may be written in monuments of stone. But the future will be written by me.
 

knowledge

 

here's my schizo thought for the day;

knowledge 

know-ledge

null-ledge

no-ledge

ledge/edge referencing the boundary of what's known/understood vs what's unknown/not undestood

my history (pt 1)

 

Pre-cognitive memory trauma

when i was born my dad's mom said "he'll either end up dead or in jail" 

General: abandonment, rejection, physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, 

Specific: father threw me into deep end of pool at 9 months old and was saved by grandfather, when i was born my grandmother said i was going to end up in prison

Positive: i had lots of pets

Kindergarten:

positive: i honestly have no positive memories from this time period

negative: hide under my desk because im scared, threw up out of anxiety, we move halfway through kindergarten so i have to change schools

worst: when my sister was born i got off my school bus alone to an empty house nobody left a note nobody called no family was informed to check on me no food was there for me and i was home alone until sometime in the literal night

1st grade:

positive: a couple other kids (M, B, J) come over when im crying and say "this is our best friend now." but i dont remember this from my perspective i only remember it as like, a photograph from someone else's point of view, made friends with my neighbor who was a girl my age (I dont remember her name)

negative: school gives me anxiety, sit there crying during introductions, teacher constantly critizing me or giving me warnings despite me not actually doing anything wrong, sexually assaulted at neighbor's house and my dad builds an 8-foot tall fence that spans the entire property length dividing our houses, i never see that friend again

2nd grade:

positive: i honestly have no positive memories from this time period

negative: another teacher that constantly criticized me or blew things i did out of proportion for no reason, mandatory performance in stage musical gave me horrible anxiety and i lost one of my favorite books during it

worst: fell on broken glass couldnt have anesthetic because i lost so much blood

3rd grade:

positive: i like video games

negative: put down by teacher consistently, friends from school stop coming over because none of their parents like my parents

4th grade:

positive: only teacher who praises/encourages me, learn that i can write/like writing

negative: cousin (P) sexually assaults me,

worst: my dad punches me in the face during a group family christmas dinner, i sleep over my friend's (B) for his birthday and ended up traumatized because we watched all the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies, my friends also accuse me of killing a baby chicken claiming i stepped on it

5th grade:

positive: my first real best friend (JG), i'm the only person who stands up for the kid (BP) who gets bullied in our class, Pokemon is popular now

negative: girls hate me for some reason, a girl kicks me in the balls at recess for fun

worst: summer between grades we're moving away and i want to kill myself

6th grade: behind in math skills, bullied, left out on purpose on projects and complained about, kid down the street punched me in the face for no reason

7th grade: bullied, no friends, first real crush, my dad punches me in the stomach

8th grade: bullied even more, try to defend people who are getting picked on and get made fun of by that person i was stepping in for, made first actual friend since moving in 5th grade, start using internet, get given nickname that is a joke nickname meant to dehumanize and demean me and everyone uses it and it becomes my name from that point on, first girlfriend (on the internet)

9th grade: move to new house in cape may, start using internet even more, my only friend is the only person i see picked on more than myself, start playing/collecting yugioh cards

10th grade: uhhhhhhhhh

11th grade: went to canada, A kissed me, then at the end of the year i got assaulted and kidnapped into the gym and forced into a magic ritual to make me forget my memories/emotions towards A (((((::::::::

12th grade: manipulated by S into a relationship, sexually assaulted/raped, my mom tries to hit me while driving me to school and i punch her in the face and scream at her that i'll kill her if she ever touches me again. she proceeded to spend years trying to get me to be with her again.

2007: start stealing medication from my job, recklessly take pills to see what they will do, blackout on multiple occasions due to taking xanax

2008: met IJ online and started dating, met her in person (she lied about her age and her appearance), we have a rough relationship and break up months later, C and G and i go to a cardshop and get magic starter decks.

2009: met K online and started dating, tripped with her on the beach at night the first time we met in person, moved in with her the first time ive lived anywhere besides at home with my family, she is abusive and manipulative, we break up a year later and Greger comes to pick me up and bring me home

2010: start drinking cough syrup to trip pretty often, acquired some girl clothes somehow (dont remember) and realized how much i enjoyed wearing them

2011: alcohol poisoning, start dating B, B convinces me to try therapy, B gives me her stimulant medication she doesn't need and we realize i have ADHD, realized i was trans while reading the webcomic Homestuck and my favorite character (Kanaya) gets called "Papaya" (my high school nickname) by her drunk girlfriend (Rose) in the comic.

2012: get extremely sick from cough syrup and stop doing it, broken up with and not told why find out years later it was because i figured out im trans which then got repressed for 9 years

2013: almost overdose on benadryl, abducted by aliens?/missing time, I convinced G and C to start playing MTG again almost overdose on cough syrup later in the year, growing increasingly disastisfied with my life

2014: meet M start living with M and her sister in a house they rent. start doing acid a bunch.

2015-2017: i start going to a therapist again and take medication that fucks with me and my mind, M becomes increasingly controlling and aggressive. she makes me go to a mental instution multiple times because "im the problem."

2018: M is pregnant, sitting on bay seriously considering killing myself call G and he says he's too busy and hangs up

2019: we are homeless for months then get an apartment

2020: our neighbors do hard drugs, M treats me like shit every day and even wrote about how badly she treats me in her journal

2021: we get to move in with M's grandfather because her mom and sister moved out, i figured out im trans and she pretends to be encouraging while becoming more abusive

2022: M throws me out, im homeless, M gets me arrested, M toys with me emotionally while using me for sex, M cheats on me, i break up with her finally, i move in with G, i work at grocery store and then get fired because the store manager didn't like trans people (i did my job)

2023: mistakes were made

2024: sexually assaulted, physically assaulted, stalked

2025: stalked and harassed 

SDFKSFDSDFKSDFKSDFKDSF

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THATS ALL 

introduction from my tumblr since its shadowbanned

 

IT'S A TRAP

i'm sylvie

no DNI, idgaf, despite how much i hate all humanity if you make friends with me i will protect you

demi/urgic

i love all perps but Sam esp, why? Because I'm delusional and believe that I'm the kind of person who could fix someone so broken- that my kindness, that my love, that my friendship could change things. Maybe one day. Or maybe I'll just end up dead. I guess we'll see!

My hobbies: writing (fiction, poetry/songs/philosophizing), art (digital art, traditional art, crafts), music (guitar, bass, drums), gaming (mostly rocket league, upper plat, but i also play mtg), books (i have a huge book collection)

My fav books: Paingod, Eidophusikon, The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious, Perdido Street Station, The Hobbit & LoTR, The Colour of Magic, Jurassic Park, I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream, Do Androids Dream Of Electric Sheep?, 1984, Brave New World, Ender's Game

Musicians that have influenced me the most: john cage, buckethead, jimi hendrix, frank zappa, david bowie, toby fox, benn jordan/the flashbulb, gorillaz, rob dougan, john williams, susumu hirasawa, merzbow, the pillows, yuki kajiura, suicideboys, death grips, city morgue....

My fav musicians/bands/etc: Gorillaz, Dethklok, Shoji Meguro, Caravan Palace, Daft Punk, KMFDM, Buckethead, Rammstein, The Flashbulb, femtanyl, Ghostemane, $uicideboy$, Anamanaguchi, Infected Mushroom, See-Saw, City Morgue, Sophiaaaahjkl;8901, Yann Tiersen, Bloodhound Gang, The Black Dahlia Murder, Blackbird Raum, Mindless Self Indulgence, DIR EN GREY, The Pillows, NOFX, The Faint, The Doors, The Protomen, Slayer, Sewerslvt, Coakira, Goreshit, Moa Pillar, Nekrogoblikon, HORSE the band, Tenacious D, Toby Fox, Richard Cheese, Weird Al, Children of Bodom, Kidcrash, Lamb of God, SadZilla, Agent Orange, Rage Against the Machine, King Crimson, Fall of Troy, From Autumn to Ashes, Chiodos, 65daysofstatic, Boards of Canada, Red Sparowes, Explosions In the Sky, If These Trees Could Talk, 5ive….

My fav movies: Enter the Void, The Matrix (including Resurrections), Naked Lunch, Videodrome, Eraserhead, Apocalypse Now, City of God, Scott Pilgrim vs the World, Jurassic Park, Pearl/MaXXXine/X, Hellraiser, Return to Nuke Em High, Freddy Got Fingered, The Holy Mountain, Come and See, Inland Empire, Let the Right One In, Koyaanisqatsi, A Scanner Darkly, eXistenZ, Baraka, Dark City (Director's Cut), Happy Gilmore 2, The Lost Boys, Apocalypto, Alien, Starship Troopers, 1984, The Shining, Midnight Meat Train....

My fav anime/manga: Devilman Crybaby, The Boy and the Heron, Shinsekai Yori, Neon Genesis Evangelion + End of + Rebuild, Fate/stay night: Heaven's Feel trilogy,  Madoka + the movies, Kaiba, Made In Abyss, Berserk, Oyasumi Punpun, Full Metal Alchemist Brotherhood, Angel's Egg, Akira, Paprika, Perfect Blue, BLAME!, Gantz, Chainsaw Man, Jujutsu Kaisen, Serial Experiments Lain, No Game No Life, Welcome to the NHK!, Nichijou, Ergo Proxy, .hack//SIGN, Fate/zero, FLCL, Bounen no Xamdou, Attack on Titan, Haibane Renmei, Kill la Kill, Mob Psycho, Spirited Away, Princess Mononoke, Space Dandy, Birdy the Mighty....

My fav artists: Zdzislaw Beksinski, HR Giger, Hieronymus Bosch, Van Gogh, Peter Mohrbacher, Roy Lichtenstein, Frida Kahlo....

My fav games of all time: Rocket League, Beat Saber, Dance Dance Revolution & In the Groove & Stepmania, Dark Souls 1, Elden Ring, The Binding of Isaac, Fear and Hunger, Darkest Dungeon, Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon (Red/Silver/Sapphire/Platinum/Black/X/Moon), Digimon World, Final Fantasy (I, VII, VIII, IX, X).....

Magic the Gathering
Archetype: Spike/Vorthos
Favorite Character: Elspeth
Favorite Villain: Elesh Norn
Favorite Planeswalker: Ashiok
Favorite Color: Black
Favorite Guild: Dimir
Favorite Clan: Sultai
Favorite EDH Deck: Naya Food (Rocco, Street Chef)
Favorite Wincon: Alt win conditions

Misc Facts
Scents: Vanilla, Gasoline
Color: Neon Green
Animal: Fox
Mythological: Kitsune
Zodiac: Aries/Dragon
Season: Fall

[will likely edit and add more later, idk/idc]

art ive made of sam

 

on sam and jack

sometimes you find people in the world who nobody else could have helped

but you could have

if you had been there

that's all 

my number of friends has increased

 but what does that mean

how long until i ruin it like i always do

that's why i must remain as detached....dettached? de-attached? why doesn't that look right?

whatever 

The Tenets of the Cult of Nyx

The Tenets of the Cult of Nyx

1.  Human beings are fragile, temporary creatures living inside vast historical and institutional machines.
2. Most suffering originates when those machines forget the people inside them.
3. Identity is not discovered but constructed.
4. The past is never dead and constantly shapes the present.
5. Meaning emerges through relationships and creation rather than authority or destiny.
6. The task of a good person is not to become pure, powerful, or important.
7. It is to remain human while moving through the ruins.