what is being a girl

 one of the most curious bits to me about transitioning and coming to terms with my attraction to men, was understanding a large part of it was essentially cultural brainwashing. especially as a trans person, there is this deeply ingrained need in most to Pass as the opposite gender. I have honestly never been interested in doing that. What I want, truly desire, is to be ME- which is basically intersex, but in my mind I am more like a beautiful half monster from Greek mythology.

It took some time for me to untangle my true beliefs and real feelings and unpack why I felt the way I did, to truly question my attraction to both genders.

Did I only date the girls I did bc I either never asked the ones I was really drawn to, or bc I was constantly rejected by them when I did muster the courage to ask? Did I date girls i, unknowingly, wanted to be like?

No, both are wrong. What happened was, when I was young, my family moved after living in one place for a long time. I lost literally all my friends and was thrust into a cliquey small town area and struggled with bullying and isolation and self harm and trouble in school for years and years before I gained some confidence in myself.

The thing is, most of that confidence came from being in relationships- not because the person filled in a hole in me or anything like that, but because I had no family, no close friends, so my significant other was always the only person I could reliably trust, rely on to believe me and have my interests at heart and all that nice stuff that comes from having someone who loves you.

I never had family that loved me, they were all extremely abusive, so my partners were the only chance I had to experience kindness and softness and safe intimacy.

The thing is, despite 90< of my relationships being with women and ending poorly, I still highly value those experiences and what they taught me, especially because despite allll that time, men have still been far more malicious, manipulative, selfish, and bigoted towards me at like a fucking 10/1 ratio. every bad experience with a girl is dwarfed by the fact that many many men will initiate violence...

Women aren't just safe people for me, they are my people, they are my culture so to speak. Feminity and being a woman, I want to contribute positively to the woman's movement, to empower other girls and raise them up because nobody else is gonna do it for us.