what is being a girl

 one of the most curious bits to me about transitioning and coming to terms with my attraction to men, was understanding a large part of it was essentially cultural brainwashing. especially as a trans person, there is this deeply ingrained need in most to Pass as the opposite gender. I have honestly never been interested in doing that. What I want, truly desire, is to be ME- which is basically intersex, but in my mind I am more like a beautiful half monster from Greek mythology.

It took some time for me to untangle my true beliefs and real feelings and unpack why I felt the way I did, to truly question my attraction to both genders.

Did I only date the girls I did bc I either never asked the ones I was really drawn to, or bc I was constantly rejected by them when I did muster the courage to ask? Did I date girls i, unknowingly, wanted to be like?

No, both are wrong. What happened was, when I was young, my family moved after living in one place for a long time. I lost literally all my friends and was thrust into a cliquey small town area and struggled with bullying and isolation and self harm and trouble in school for years and years before I gained some confidence in myself.

The thing is, most of that confidence came from being in relationships- not because the person filled in a hole in me or anything like that, but because I had no family, no close friends, so my significant other was always the only person I could reliably trust, rely on to believe me and have my interests at heart and all that nice stuff that comes from having someone who loves you.

I never had family that loved me, they were all extremely abusive, so my partners were the only chance I had to experience kindness and softness and safe intimacy.

The thing is, despite 90< of my relationships being with women and ending poorly, I still highly value those experiences and what they taught me, especially because despite allll that time, men have still been far more malicious, manipulative, selfish, and bigoted towards me at like a fucking 10/1 ratio. every bad experience with a girl is dwarfed by the fact that many many men will initiate violence...

Women aren't just safe people for me, they are my people, they are my culture so to speak. Feminity and being a woman, I want to contribute positively to the woman's movement, to empower other girls and raise them up because nobody else is gonna do it for us.

autism adhd bpd borderline mania etc etc symptoms and etc

THIS IS NOT AN EXHAUSTIVE/COMPREHENSIVE LIST!!!!!

this is my rough draft of autistic symptoms that i have

BEING AUTISTIC
-neurotypical people are shown in repeated research to have an immediate "negative view" when they meet an autistic/neurodivergent person, this happens to me frequently
-autism often misdiagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and i went years believing i was "emotionally unstable" and thats it
-autism and anorexia have a link, perfectionism and anorexia has a link which would explain my weight obsession and dieting/eating habits
-anxiety, sleep problems, seizures, elevated risk of gastrointestinal problems

autistic traits in general
---difficulties with emotional control
---extreme reactions to stimuli such as light, touch, or noise
---learning difficults, especially with language and speech
------speech therapy classes from 3rd through 5th grade
------could not learn french in high school
---trouble with verbal and non-verbal communication
---speak monotone, hard to place accent, "weird" or large vocabulary, too quiet or loud
---distracted easily by small sounds

burnout
---referred to in DSM as "catatonia"
---chronic exhaustion, lose skills, reduced tolerance to stimulas
---chronic life stress, unmeet needs over a long time
---can last for months

intertia
---poor ability to transition between activites, switching between tasks, even just going to the bathroom or remembering to eat
---struggle to get started with tasks, but also difficult to stop once started something
---hyperfocus that overrides everything
---DSM says highly restricted, fixated interests that are abnormal in intense or focus

masking
---concealing true self to fit into society's norms or expectations
---appear more competent socializing than actually are
---switch between poor eye contact, too much staring, and inbetween
---not healthy to do it for a long time, listening to an inner critic that is negative

meltdown
---panic attack, uncontrollable for the person when they start, temporarily loses control of their behavior, interruptions can cause it, sensory overwhelm, can present as anger, shouting, crying, rocking, shutting down "statue mode"
---can temporarily mask it until in a safe place and then it explodes
---not feeling safe holds it in and represses it then it boils over eventually

monotropy
---allocates attention resources to a very limited range of interests or activites
---when focused, engagement is profound and intense, shifting attention can be emotionally and cognitively taxing, and interruptions are highly disruptive and may result in a complete loss of focus

monotropic brain tips
---love routines- so use new routines
---interruptions can be jarring- so set boundaries
---transition/intertia issues- use timers/alarms
---create ritual for transition- stretch, alarms, etc to switch tasks

motor skills
---struggle learning to a ride a bike, tie shoes
---sometimes diagnosed with dyspraxia, neurological condition that affects physical coordination
---probably related to monotropic thinking

motor skills: stimming
---repetitive movements- bouncing leg or foot, cracking fingers, counting fingers, snapping fingers, playing with lighter or vape or pen, pacing
---"self soothing" techniques when stressed or anxious
---sometimes done to help concentrate or focus

rigid thinking patterns & ocd, perfectionism, finding failure unbearable
---the tendency to believe there is a perfect solution to every problem, that doing something perfectly (i.e. mistake-free) is not only possible, but also necessary, and that even minor mistakes will have serious consequences
---down to picking out socks and underwear, even when im wearing clothes that cover it
---hate being watched while doing things
---specialized and often obsessive interests or behaviors




OCD
OCD plucking hair
OCD scratching
OCD bump popping
OCD cleaning
OCD organizing
loud sharp noises
noises when I'm hungry
hyperfixating

Overlap between ADHD and Bipolar:
-Poor/trouble thinking -Hyperactive -Disorganized
-Mania can worsen ADHD symptoms, but also, ADHD medication can increase manic energy.

Differences:

Bipolar Mania
-doesn't just feel like you have unlimited energy, but actually able to keep going and going
Racing thoughts
-in head constantly changing without any real power to focus on one
Pressured speech
-person you're speaking with feels like you're talking without any pauses, may interrupt a lot
Mood
-mood changes are random, and cycle, alternate from mania to depression, sometimes can go mania to mania or depression to depression; usually triggered by something in your life
Impulsivity
-hypersexuality, bad spending habits, but there is a momentum behind it where you dont realize whats happening before its too late
Sleep
-Decreased, if any, need for sleep along with increased energy leading to staying up all night, all kinds of seemingly exciting productive things.

ADHD:
-energy is not unlimited and doesn't have that "superhuman" feeling/quality to it

-interrupt bc you zoned out and may not even realize that someone said something

-may make unwise decisions bc it wasn't thought out well

-hyperfocused on something and stay up late, but will be tired the next day

Autism Symptoms list from years ago i made and still had saved
-high functioning autism symptoms
---Emotional sensitivity: intense emotional reaction compared to normal people for small irritations or difficulties
---Fixation on particular subjects: supernatural, the occult, aliens, ufos, space, physics, quantum physics, the Law of One
---Linguistic oddities: seem eccentric due to diverse vocabulary and interests, frequent interruptions, or focus on particular topics
---Social difficulties: lack of friends, close people to communicate with
---Problems processing physical sensations: noisy or crowded public places, specific noises or tastes or smells or feelings are intolerable
---Devotion to routine
---Development of repetion
---Dislike of change
---Focus on self: an inordinate focus on self. A person with high-functioning autism may spend an excessive amount of time talking about themselves, not allowing another person to share a complete thought or response.
---Unusual movement patterns: fidgeting, flailing, flapping, drumming on things, walking, etc.
---Black and white thinking

-potential inclusion of Sensory Processing Disorder
---over sensitive to environmental stimulation
---Do not like being touched
---Sensitive to sounds
---Began new tasks simultaneously and leave many uncompleted
---I use an inappropriate amount of force when handling objects.
---I often bump into things or develop bruises that I cannot recall.
---I have difficulty learning new motor tasks, or sequencing steps of a task.
---I need physical activities to help me maintain my focus throughout the day.
---I have difficulty staying focused at work and in meetings.
---I misinterpret questions and requests, requiring more clarification than usual.
---I have difficulty reading, especially aloud.
---My speech lacks fluency, I stumble over words.
---I must read material several times to absorb the content.
---I have trouble forming thoughts and ideas in oral presentations.
---I have trouble thinking up ideas for essays or written tasks at school.

Our Modern Idea of Love Is Backwards and Wrong

Love has nothing to do with what someone can and can't do materially for you. Love is not about one-upping "rival" partners. Love is not about worshipping someone. Love is not about how much you wanna fuck someone. Love isn't about only the positive and none of the negatives.

Love is about caring for yourself as much as you do others, it's about showing yourself the same kindness that you want to show others. You can't love someone properly if you hate yourself. You are only trying to get validation, to feel worthy of loved. But you already are.

"Our" modern view of love is immoral, modern romanticism itself is rooted deep within Eurocentrism. Think to yourself, what is being romantic? Where do your views on romance come from? Movies? TV? Celebrities? Peers? Nobody considers where their influence lies. Think deeply.

If you find yourself constantly longing for romance that its a problem, consider cutting yourself off from entertainment sources that view romantic partners as objects to be obtained, to be won. Nobody is an object except those who identity as one and they STILL get to consent.

Capitalism is bullshit and incentivizes humans to be their worst possible selves. Capitalism has infiltrated every aspect of the human experience from your birth to your own romantic experiences. It taints everything we do with a narcissistic selfish glaze.

Humans are altruistic and good by nature, no amount of negativity in the world can prove to me otherwise. Humans act badly largely because of unknown trauma and stress due to living in a fear producing factory that exists to exploit them.

Also, holidays encourage us to be "giving" and "romantic" at specific times. If you want to fight the monetization of love, stop fucking going on dates on holidays. It's EXPECTED for a reason. Surprise gifts and dates are more in the spirit of true romance than "tradition."

Stop buying Hallmark cards. I don't care if you can't draw, your local public library will let you print color pages for 25¢. You have no excuse not to put more effort into your shows of affection. If you are incapable of caring for someone else, work on yourself first.

Write and leave notes. Message them when they don't expect it. Remember the things they like and care about. Have memory problems? MAKE NOTES FOR YOURSELF! I have done it my entire life because I KNOW I will forget basic shit like favorite colors, but I care so I make an effort.

And not just for romantic partners, love your FRIENDS. Love isn't just for sex. Love is about caring deeply about the well-being of someone other than yourself. Ask how they are doing, show interest in their lives if you really acknowledge them as your friend.

Do better!

Sun God Mythology (unfinished)

Sun Mythology and Importance
god is the sun the sun is god, this is true in every religion, including christianity and catholicism whose works are largely metaphorical and philosophical. pre-younger dryas god was primarily seen as kind because humans recoginized the sun as assisting living things in thriving, esp humans and daylight vs nighttime.  the turn from biblical good god to the wrathful vengeful god is from the transition in the younger dryas. the earth was hit by multiple cataclysms, but at one point, one of these was a either a solar flare or coronal mass ejection that scorched the planet. god releasing fire on the sinners. then the flood came after, luckily for humans. so, fire from a CME, shortly lately a massive comet strike in Greenland, and a chain reaction from that of tectonic and volcanic activity resulting in continnetal shifts/drifting and tsunamis, sea levels changing, new mountains forming, etc.

the Greek myth of Helios and Phaethon: Every morning, Helios unleashed his golden chariot, and set out across the sky. As the Sun God transformed dawn into day, he thought of his son, Phaethon, below. To prove to Phaethon that he was truly his father, Helios decided to grant him anything he wanted. Unfortunately, what Phaethon wanted was to drive Helios’ chariot for a day. Helios doesnt think its a good idea, even Zeus wouldn't do it himself. Phaethon flies off, but the chariot pulls him far off into space, so far that the Earth begins to darken from the suns distance. Suddenly, Phaethon gets pulled back, and crashes into the Earth as a comet, destroying much of the land, causing floods, etc. and for a short time (days? weeks? etc?) the Earth stays dark until Helios (the sun) starts coming back out every day and passes Phaethon's constellation.
Apollo also rode a chariot.

Aztec myth says there were four worlds, each set in motion  by their own "Lord Sun" and each in turns destroyed. First by jaguars, then winds, then rains of fire, then floods. The god that would become the new Lord Sun would have to throw themselves into the sacred fire to become the new sun lord. The new Sun Lord did not move for four days and said it needed the blood of of other gods to move.

Vedic Indian culture about 3000 years ago had Agni god of fire usually shown with two heads riding a ram, second most powerful  god next to Indra god of the heavens. Agni existed on Earth as regular fire and in the sky as lightning. In his triumvirate form he represented the connection between the mundane and the divine. He was feared as an agent of destruction but revered for his ability to nourish. In one story, a demon demands Agni confirm his marriage to Puloma (the moon disappearing?), wife of the sage Bhrigu, which Agni could not do, so the demon kidnapped her. Puloma got back, but Bhrigu cursed Agni to destroy everything in his path, so Agni protested by withdrawing all his fire from the world (the sun disappearing?). In response, Brahma, the supreme creator of the universe, altered the curse so that Agni's curse would purify everything instead.

Incas, 12th-16th century Peru. Holidays, agriculture, politics. Inti was one of their most powerful deity, second only to his father the creator god Viracochi. The Incan royal family was said to be directly descended from him. Temple of the Sun in Cuszco which was plundered by Spain.
Shinto has Amaterasu, who is the most powerful kami (spirit), the ruler of the Takama no Hara, the high celestial plain where all the kami live. Born from the left eye of Izanagi, and is said to be the ancestor of the Japanese ruling family. There is a story where Amaterasu has to hide in a cave from her brother, the storm god Susanoo, and without her light, the world fell into decay and evil spirits roamed the earth. She eventually came out when she heard the raucous laughing of the kami's watching the goddess Amenouzume perform a "naughty dance."

In Baltic mythology, the sun was represented by Saule, the mother and ruler of the heavenly beings who determined the well-being of all life on earth. A blonde woman wearing a golden shawl and crown, she lived in a palace at the "end of the sea" and tended a garden of golden apples. In legend, in her divine radiance, would across the sky in a chariot pulled by two tireless white horses who didn't sweat. Her daughters were the planets and her father was the moon, though in some stories they are seperated because he chased the goddess of dawn (aka the morning star, otherwise known as the planet Venus).

In Egypt, Ra was said to ride in a solar barge during the day. At night he sailed through the underworld until he returned to the sky in the east. As Ra would pass through the underworld, the evil god Apep would try to devour him. Eclipses happened when he succeded, but Ra always managed to escape.

Neolithic and bronze age cave carvings depict a ship passing through the stars showing that the concept of a solar barge has been around since ancient history.

Eclipses and Eating the Sun
As Ra would pass through the underworld, the evil god Apep would try to devour him. Eclipses happened when he succeded, but Ra always managed to escape.
In Vietnamese mythology, its a frog or a toad that tries.
In Ancient china, it was a dragon.
In Hindu, the god Rahu was beheaded, and he swallowed the sun as his severed head flew through the air.
In Benin, the Fon, or Dahomey, people, they celebrate not fear eclipses. Believe a supreme being named Nana Baluluku created the universe and gave birth to girl Mawu and boy Lisa. Mawu created the Earth with the help of a great snake then invited her brother to help her populate it with their children: gods, goddess, plants, animals, and humans. The humans treated Mawu so terribly that she fled to the sky and inhabited the moon, but she took pity on them and sent Lisa to teach the humans how to build shelter, use tools, and farm. Then Lisa went to the sky and became the sun to be close to his sister/wife. When Mawu first went to visit Lisa, she blocked his sunlight, but that first meeting/eclipse created the seeds that humans needed to plant once they mastered farming. Now when there is a solar eclipse, the Fon who hold onto the old ways hope there will be another gift.


Additional Notes/Complaints
There seems to be, and for quite some time, a minimalization of our world's Sun and its importance, especially emphasizing how its "not special" and "not unique" despite it...being unique...weird.

NANI? NANIE? NANAE?

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my crush asked if she could call me bc she was having a Minor crisis and needed advice/to talk to someone (and she chose me????)

we spent almost two hours talking on the phone, just nonstop conversation!! i could not get enough of her, and I think i may have surprised her with my mythology knowledge to the point that I got her so interested she was googling stuff I was telling her about to read more :0000

We talked about like our mental health and our lives and I helped her realize she has been being manic lately, and it's just like, we are so similar but different people, and we both have so many experiences but lack in other areas, and both of us can give the other advice on things we are missing and want to do or be and also share things we are both interested in like music and mythology and fjkdkdkslsldld

what is happening 😭

what is happening!!!!

please tell me im not crazy pls tell me she actually likes me too and that's why she and I talk so much, I don't want to ruin our friendship if she doesn't like me back but I also can't live forever without taking risks and chances to be happy :((( I can enjoy our friendship the way it is now but there could be even more an even closer bond and intimacy and I want that if possible but it always seems like once a confession is made that ruins the friendship...

I really really like her though and I don't think it's just me being manic, she's just so sweet and kind and she's SMART!! she's REALLY smart!!

I'm not exaggerating either, she really is smart and gorgeous and kind and like ??? if I try to think of negatives maybe it's that she is a little naive? but that's not even bad to me! naive can be good, innocence is good, it's only when our naivety leads us to make bad decisions that cause us harm is it bad. but it's not an awful thing to be a bit naive. I sure as hell am!

but like ??? from how much we've talked and seen each other so far like there is NOTHING wrong with her!! she's a great person, she works really really hard (THREE JOBS) to the point that during our call I was basically INSISTING she get a full day off, that she be selfish and take care of herself bc self care NECESSITATES being selfish because it IS about YOU not ANYONE else, you HAVE to take care of yourself to become the person you really want to be. And I really think she listened :))) 

I care a lot about her and she is burning herself out and ive been there and were soooo similar with our Neurorizz brains that I totally get the situations she explains to me and the "weird" ways she feels sometimes!! I'm so happy I can be there for someone and help them understand themselves better.

why is she so cool 😩😩😩😩😩

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moon snake sun octopus cycle

the great serpent rose

taking the moon in its mouth

swallowing it whole

but the serpent did not know

the light of the sun still reached

into the darkness of its belly

and pulled it's lover free

yet the serpent remained

transfigured into an Eldritch squid

with thousands of wispy tentacles

Grasping for the moon every night 

broke the cog

When we were young,
They liked to ask us in school,
What would you like to be?
Some kids wanted jobs,
With hats that were cool
But since the first grade,
There's only thing I wanted to be
Someone who contributes
Possibly revolutionize
At least a few friends minds
To work against, to stop being cogs
In the machine
If heaven was real, then earth must be hell
what cataclysm brought about this matrix
this personal ego centric hell is far from an escape

otherside

 

i cant help but constantly find myself wondering, are they already dead? the person who would have understood me the most. that is like me and me like them. that would have unraveled our strayd threads and dyed our souls back to color. did they kill themselves already? are they already gone? did we miss each other? this world is so chaotic and noisy and cavernous and the voices bounce in discordance across narrow gaps in chambers filled with glowing gold resin that turns to seeds and cones and trees and pyramids but there is nothing left for me, there was nothing ever here in the first place, there was nothing real, not you or me or that tree or the seed or the dog in the window, just manifestations, hallucinations more like, all this is just a big mindfuck a big old dick in the ear

mostly ivy

 brain in a jar scooped it out like jelly bean ice cream pop and snap and crack and lock me to the radiator metal rusted chains and checkered black and white floors butterflies in the eyes and rosy cheeks and you thought innocence was lost but it never existed solitary critic lonely raven on a marble bust looking lost in mazes meant for mouses and rats chased by cats and traps and get thrown to all kinds of royal feline swarms and hordes that tear apart your sanity like anxiety riled up from inside a cage that was built with your own two hands now your inside the box but you can think outside it the box is a material physical construct of your four dimensional holographic thinking and just because you can't penetrate it in a literal fashion doesnt mean it cant be dismantled and broken and splayed the wheels and sands of time confined constrained meditated and solid grasp into a diamond of perception crystal gazing weathering whatever weather storms of course lightning and thunder from zeus' hands like living the mythology and herculean strength necessities a need to push boulders and move mountains that were moleholes built up by discourse and of course the dribbling nonsense from the mouths of so called prophets that got bigger sacks in their pockets for every word you offer in praise to some false deity whose true name was forgotten a long time ago when the twelve sons split jerusalem and even before the pyramids lost their architects and lost islands became thought of as atlantis but now everybody wants to acts like the demiurge is the only source and of course thats a fucking lie you dope why do you believe things just because theyre repeated dont you know history is delineated in such a fashion that its not always the victors writing the pieces, more as such, its whoever is manipulating their hand with their touch, the little spies and devils on the shoulders of kings and queens and councils of bishops turned to presidents and secretaries of full ass nations that never agreed to be a part of this shit despite the animosity and shit boiling the votes pour in and nobody who won it we all act stunned like it wasnt decided by three or five other guys sitting in backrooms flipping paychecks for the military industrial is not complex enough of a term to describe these three eyed fork tongued sons of guns that determine the fate of everyone on the planet with the fingers in every single serving you ate up but you cant taste it its all an illusion reality is all consuming all confusing and thats how you are still here despite knowing you should move on and just get gone the reality is we are all trapped in this place free choice isnt real so do what you will

bill bill bill bill bill cy the taurid guy

zelkeritzack

Consider my absence as a search for the soul.
A trip through the inner wilderness.
Confronting devils that lurk and gnash.
Terror like a raging fire, uncontrolled and infuriated.

Rescue this spirit, slipping into the great unknown:
In the embrace of dreams, I wander far from this realm.
I falter, into the emptiness I'm tossed.
And in the darkness, old whispers loom closer.

blogpostcore

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with or without you

colors bloom from shadows born of crimson hue in the twilight last hours blood on the morning dew

hallucinations (or not)

I wonder if there's a connection between aphantasia and lack of ability to consciously hallucinate, because unless I'm in schizo God Mode or thereabouts I usually don't hallucinate visually- not even on psychedelics. If I stay at low-mid ranges, it's basically nothing, just nice and feels interesting. High level I basically just veg out and go into like a half awake dream state.