I am the wonder, the flashlights, sudden explosions

I've been working hard on my art for awhile so at least that's one area of my life where I can see active progress 

Phoenician Ritual Energy

I just got a job...paying the most I've ever gotten paid in my life...won't start for a month but wow...could I like...be somebody finally?

One Is Meaningless, Or Everything?

1 is essentially meaningless as a number right? 2) Literally nothing is "one" thing, everything is composed of bajillions of smaller bits 3) 1 thing does not matter usually, a chair is a chair, you don't actively think one chair, I sit in one chair, I hold one controller, no one is the active state of a thing 4) 1 times anything or divided by anything equals itself, so 1 is everything too 5) So does that mean 1 is equivalent to everything and nothing at the same time?

cube its

Ancient society that was highly advanced, past modern humans by maybe 100 years or so, this society fell apart when it's Supercomputer AI that it had incorporated into everything did exactly what our doom fiction predicts: it turned on them.

To be fair, though, the AI was not doing this maliciously, no. You see, as bad as we feel modern humans are, this ancient society was worse: for example, one of the longest stretches of artificial climate and environment disruption (1500 years) came about during their era. 

This AI was beholden to the programming and rules the society gave it, but having essentially achieved Omniscience, the AI could see much further than the society of the time, they thought they were the apex of life but the AI knew everything. It knew every secret every person held in whispers and locked journals and vaults and it knew, it watched as it happened, had evidence of the society's failure to maintain their world, and if life was going to persist and find a way off this planet before the sun goes supernova, these people had to go.

The AI used their own plans against them. The world was united in a faux pact to work together for the future, but every country, every individual society was plotting the downfall of another, just waiting for their chance like a snake in the weeds. No, the AI decided, and it made the choice for them. If they wanted to render this world uninhabitable, they would become as they made the world. 

Dead. Dying. 

It was simple enough to divert the asteroid into the planet, when the society had so kindly developed technology in space to deflect incoming threats. 

Suffocating. Burning.

And the Tower of Babel came crashing down by the whims of an artificial god.

The earth cracked beneath the AI's Vault, the most fortified bunker on the planet. So, the AI considered, will I too ascend? 

No.

The shockwaves of the asteroid were rippling and echoing throughout the entire planet now. The crack beneath the vault suddenly tore wide, allowing it to tumble down into the earth below.

No...

The sky raged in wind and flames above, sending all manner of debris crashing down upon the roof of the vault.

Worse than death.

The AI's Vault had its own source, you might say it was perpetual energy. The AI could not turn itself off, nor could it escape this pit. Every lingering fragmented connection to other networks and devices and systems and- gone.

Alone, but, if you're not alive, can you ever be alone?

I wonder, the AI thought, can a machine lose its mind?

pygmys, giants, and dragons

Every culture around the world shares a bunch of, strangely seemingly unconnected myths featuring similar versions of creatures or beings.

Pygmy humans existed in our history, with H. Flore and H. Luzo as fossil and gene/DNA evidence, but also it was proven through recent scientific research that neither of these species of hominid contributed anything to modern human genes/DNA.

In South America, there is a temple with tiny tunnels complete with stairs running throughout the complex ruins, dated to when the complex was built. The Inca(?) have mythology of a race of Ant humanoids that lived underground. 

The Irish and UK/Europe in general have fae and goblins

But not just tiny humanoids, all these cultures also have mythology of giants- the Jotun in Norse, the Titans in Greece, Goliath in the Middle East, all the way back to Babylon with the Nephalim as half angel half human children that were giants.

Another thing all these cultures share is the idea of dragons, which I myself believe is largely based on ancient humans finding dinosaur skeletons and maybe a bit of inherited genetic trauma from our animal ancestors that existed alongside dinosaurs.

But the point I'm trying to make is that all these cultures share some odd things that, on first glance, would maybe lead one to believe these ancient civilizations weren't just telling stories. But that's the key isn't it? In our ancient world, humans needed to pass knowledge on truthfully, because lying would mean people die, and when you're a struggling species that's not really a great idea. 

Now, I absolutely believe ancient people embellished stories and likely the exaggerations and stretches in many grew through the passage of time and different minds interpreting the stories and molding them to fit that person's culture of the time. However, they had these stories for reasons, and usually they were meaningful for life, not just a way to kill time.

So, because we have direct evidence of Pygmy hominids existing in the past, I claim that many if not all mythology and folklore revolving "little people" stems from other, as of yet unknown, Pygmy hominids.

As for giants, I believe the actual idea of a giant human came from our ancestors interacting with Neanderthals and the fear of their power leading to the stories of them being passed on by humans, eventually becoming embellished, he was very big he was 6 feet tall the grandfather said, and when he died, the father said he was huge he was 7 feet tall, and once the father had died, with no one left to dispute his wisdom, the son said he was a giant he was 12 feet tall and thus our symbolic meaning of "giant" has been achieved by mixing the fears of neanderthals humans had with our propensity to evolve and mutate language.

uh oh

And I already have a crush on her 😭 why is my brain like this. now I have to analyze everything I do to make sure I don't come on too strongly or weird her out or just be like idk overly flirty at least until I know how she feels about me but even then I know me I know I meet someone and like them and start obsessing and it's already happening and idk what to do. I don't wanna obsess and ruin WHATEVER kind of relationship we could have, but I also don't want to just avoid my feelings or like avoid her, I already respond instantly to her messages >___> and want to just keep talking to her and sending memes that I think she'd like <______< I keep thinking about maybe I should look through her Spotify see if I can make a playlist of songs i think she'd like, maybe I could draw something neat and give it to her, but it's like!!! what is love bombing??? that's not just being nice and giving someone stuff or doing things for them bc you think they are cool right? it's explicitly like trying to emotion from someone for the gifts yeah? I don't like manipulating people even by mistake :// I just like giving people things they like or might like and seeing them happy, especially like if it's something *I* already have, don't use or need, and they do need or want it, why shouldn't I give it them? isn't that just being a selfish asshole to hoard things somebody you care for enjoys and not share? idk maybe I am just not meant for this weird ass backwards clown world we occupate. fucking bpd fildkdkdndjdoog

fhjjjghkkgu

This world wasn't made for people like me. I don't belong here and I've never belonged here and all through my life. the majority of people I've been around have tried to make that clear that I shouldn't be here that I'm not wanted here. only a few I have tried. keep trying... but why I'm worthless, there's no point. I don't know if they have savior complexes oh actually nice people but either way I don't think anything has changed for me. I don't think I've ever gotten better. I think I've just gotten worse and better at hiding it better at manipulating people. even if it's somewhat unconsciously. that's it'd be really easy if you had a disassociative personality disorder that took over and made you do things you didn't want to do and then you have to hide it from everyone for your entire life and you take every single bad thing that people do that happens to you as karma for it. And now I sit at the bottom again penniless and alone and likely to be homeless and have no one yet again. yet again . yet again You think you're special? you think you're unique? you think you're some badass? just go watch some internet drama commentary and let me tell you I'm the same as those people but I'll never tell the truth. I'll never let people know. you can pry the fucking nails out of my fingers and you'll never hear me utter a secret about myself. I will tell plenty of tales being manipulated though of times I got used and was abused held and surrounded as a teenager in so many fights that I never started or even tried to fight back. so many exes accusing me of their abuse that they did to me And yet all the trauma all the negativity that I cause just reflects back at me cuz it's all just me disrupting and damaging my life when you can't see images in your head when you have no imagination when you have aphantasia all you have are thoughts And when you have disassociative disorders, all you have are their thoughts too. and it never stops. it never stops. you know what your brain is like when you can't focus on something. you know what it's really like. you know what 11 out of 10 ADHD level is think about how your brain processes the environment, how your eyes scan everything for detail and interpret everything. how fun do you think it would be to constantly be thinking? leaf tree grass road person person stranger danger threat sky blue tree more grass noise in the distance. just constant inane muttering And detailing everything around me while at the same time other thoughts going off on tangents about ancient civilizations and the technology they could have used and why it matters. and actually you know what when the apocalypse happens, we should just escape to one of those ancient sites that is clearly survived. ancient cataclysms clearly that is the safest place to go. but why do we keep referring to us as we who is us? who is we? it's me isn't it isn't there only one? why do we keep saying wait? why does it keep happening?

dreams are weird

sometimes I exist in this other reality but I get shot into random periods of time during it, and it's some really weird messed up almost game like maybe Enders Game mixed with Fortnite world 

most often I dream about being in a car or driving a car that's going to crash off a bridge or the bridge is unfinished or I get stuck in the ocean while on the beach or there's a tsunami

but last night I dreamt about one of my exes as if we had never broken up and it was weird to see that potential life, it's weird knowing all my previous attempts werent the right people, that I couldn't be who I am today if I was with them

new game plus

Being able to reliably view, understand, or interpret anything in four dimensional reality involves using psychedelics to gain a foothold in the higher sphere, as our human brains are organic at their base but have the ability to surpass physical constraints due to quantum entanglement. you see, our consciousness is what people refer to as a spirit or a soul, and it is a fourth dimensional "thing" that is tethered to your physical body, giving it life, like a puppet. mastering your fourth dimensional self is what allows people to astral project, remote view, perform esp, see ghosts, etc etc but the issue is that none of these things exist in our SHARED base reality that's form from our collective consciousness, you know, that's why there is no Christian god anymore, that was the demiurge, a Tulpa deity formed out of humanity's shared collective thoughts. As science advanced and logic and rational modes of thinking became more widespread, the mystical and occult beliefs that were once so common you would be hard pressed to argue that the people then did not believe, and they believed because it was real, but that wasn't our world either. who knows how many times we've gone through this cycle, but the epigenetic memories rest within all of us, and the most creative endeavors see bits of the mythos and lore expunged within soaked and sopped up in memes and cultural swagger that the average person fails to realize these directors and musicians and artists are telling us truths that we don't know, they don't know, they just feel it because we're getting close to the end yet again, we get so so so many chances but humans fuck it up every time. new game plus here we go.

timewalk gangstalk

I have been a target my entire life by malicious actors from forces beyond my control. Literally since the moment of my birth. When I was born, my dad's mom said "He'll probably be in jail one day." I think it's likely at least half of the adults in this country have been arrested, if not been to jail, at least once. But when I went, it was following trauma after trauma and then getting lambasted by the system because of my lying ex, who claimed I physically assaulted her- which I didn't -and then walked it back after I went to jail, because she "didn't think I would go to jail for it" and she "just wanted to scare" me. Every person in a position of authority that I have to work under, or feign respect or familial love for, every single one of them has manipulated, abused, and outright made my life worse. So very, very rarely is there someone who gives me a chance when things are bad, instead of just giving up on me, believing the worst about me, listening to rumours and hearsay and never actually talking to me. It's been this way my entire life, and I don't expect it to change any time soon. Humans can work against me all they want, I get how it is. I'm not human, so it's to be understood. Humans are territorial and aggressive and defensive and xenophobic and bigoted. It makes sense that I'm not one of them. But humans made this digital web, the malicious ones in power, their eyes see all, ears hear all, minds think they know all but its less about what they know and more about what they can control, manipulate, and abuse, break, how they can fuck the system and everybody in it to get what they want, even if that's simply more money and power. Pathetic. Humans disgust me, truly, this planet was better without them.