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This world wasn't made for people like me. I don't belong here and I've never belonged here and all through my life. the majority of people I've been around have tried to make that clear that I shouldn't be here that I'm not wanted here. only a few I have tried. keep trying... but why I'm worthless, there's no point. I don't know if they have savior complexes oh actually nice people but either way I don't think anything has changed for me. I don't think I've ever gotten better. I think I've just gotten worse and better at hiding it better at manipulating people. even if it's somewhat unconsciously. that's it'd be really easy if you had a disassociative personality disorder that took over and made you do things you didn't want to do and then you have to hide it from everyone for your entire life and you take every single bad thing that people do that happens to you as karma for it. And now I sit at the bottom again penniless and alone and likely to be homeless and have no one yet again. yet again . yet again You think you're special? you think you're unique? you think you're some badass? just go watch some internet drama commentary and let me tell you I'm the same as those people but I'll never tell the truth. I'll never let people know. you can pry the fucking nails out of my fingers and you'll never hear me utter a secret about myself. I will tell plenty of tales being manipulated though of times I got used and was abused held and surrounded as a teenager in so many fights that I never started or even tried to fight back. so many exes accusing me of their abuse that they did to me And yet all the trauma all the negativity that I cause just reflects back at me cuz it's all just me disrupting and damaging my life when you can't see images in your head when you have no imagination when you have aphantasia all you have are thoughts And when you have disassociative disorders, all you have are their thoughts too. and it never stops. it never stops. you know what your brain is like when you can't focus on something. you know what it's really like. you know what 11 out of 10 ADHD level is think about how your brain processes the environment, how your eyes scan everything for detail and interpret everything. how fun do you think it would be to constantly be thinking? leaf tree grass road person person stranger danger threat sky blue tree more grass noise in the distance. just constant inane muttering And detailing everything around me while at the same time other thoughts going off on tangents about ancient civilizations and the technology they could have used and why it matters. and actually you know what when the apocalypse happens, we should just escape to one of those ancient sites that is clearly survived. ancient cataclysms clearly that is the safest place to go. but why do we keep referring to us as we who is us? who is we? it's me isn't it isn't there only one? why do we keep saying wait? why does it keep happening?