testing

 t

 

 

e

 

 

s

 

t

 

 

 

i

 

 

 

n

 

 

 

g 

focusing on myself

 i played guitar for almost two hours today, and learned two or three new songs

i did a bunch of productive stuff

i have been walking a lot

i can rebuild myself even better than before 

Mistakes were made

it's fine though, he used me and ghosted me and talked shit about me, but I did nothing wrong, I was a good person, I tried to help him, it's not my fault 🤷‍♀️

I always forget about this space

that I can use this

HES SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL FUCK

i want him so bad

goddammit 

I just

a touch.

a taste

let me bite you goofy MOTHERFUCKER 

I guess I'm a gungirl now

I love life here

this has been the best decision in my life

strange desire for a vehicle

I don't know why I suddenly have this desire to have a car 

when I was young, I hated cars bc of how much environmental damage they cause- through both operation of AND construction of.

I never wanted a car, but when I got older i began to understand WHY everybody wanted or had a car- in many places, it's not just unsafe but completely infeasible to travel to necessary places (doctor, food, work, etc) without having a vehicle of some kind. some places are so far from anywhere useful that not even a bicycle is good enough.

then I learned about the actual founding of the automotive industry and all the ways Ford and his cohorts manipulated the government and average people to make roads in the United States a CARS ONLY place. 

It's bullshit and it made/still enrages me to think that an ENTIRE industry was founded and propped up by the wealthy elite to force us to buy cars, to force us out of OUR streets, to DESTROY the land of our ancestors with paved trash and then dare charge us to travel across it while at the same time using the bare minimum of taxes to repair and maintain those roads.

fuck the government 

four days left

it's so weird...like...all my life, I have lived in this state- but not only that, WHERE I lived was always at the behest of others: I never got a say. But now? 

For the first time in my life, I will be living somewhere entirely new- and a place that I am actually excited to go to, that I can SEE a future for myself now.

I love my boyfriend...he really is my best friend...I really, truly could not ask for a better partner for myself. Nobody in my entire life has been able to deal with me, to put up with my quirks and eccentricies, to be understanding with my mental disorders...but he is...he is more kind to me than anyone has ever been in my life...he has saved me more than once.

And soon, we will start brand new lives together. We will help each other figure out who we really are and what we really want out of our lives. 

Most people are not this lucky...my life...my life has sucked. A lot...I have been abused and assaulted and stalked and harassed and mistreated and used for so long that I just...I still get triggered, still worry that he's going to abandon me, even though it's completely and utterly illogical...but that's my poisoned brain from a life of a trauma for ya.

April 29th 2025 - I'll never see, these shores again

this was my first good birthday

I honestly can't ever remember having a good birthday 

every year I am basically dreading my birthday and miserable on the day because I don't want to age (and by extension, I don't want to die)

but this was a good day

28 days left

gooooodbyeeeeee new jersey im definitely not gonna miss being here. I can't wait to start my new life with my bf.