timewalk gangstalk

I have been a target my entire life by malicious actors from forces beyond my control. Literally since the moment of my birth. When I was born, my dad's mom said "He'll probably be in jail one day." I think it's likely at least half of the adults in this country have been arrested, if not been to jail, at least once. But when I went, it was following trauma after trauma and then getting lambasted by the system because of my lying ex, who claimed I physically assaulted her- which I didn't -and then walked it back after I went to jail, because she "didn't think I would go to jail for it" and she "just wanted to scare" me. Every person in a position of authority that I have to work under, or feign respect or familial love for, every single one of them has manipulated, abused, and outright made my life worse. So very, very rarely is there someone who gives me a chance when things are bad, instead of just giving up on me, believing the worst about me, listening to rumours and hearsay and never actually talking to me. It's been this way my entire life, and I don't expect it to change any time soon. Humans can work against me all they want, I get how it is. I'm not human, so it's to be understood. Humans are territorial and aggressive and defensive and xenophobic and bigoted. It makes sense that I'm not one of them. But humans made this digital web, the malicious ones in power, their eyes see all, ears hear all, minds think they know all but its less about what they know and more about what they can control, manipulate, and abuse, break, how they can fuck the system and everybody in it to get what they want, even if that's simply more money and power. Pathetic. Humans disgust me, truly, this planet was better without them.

the old gods sleep

The mere notion of magic and gods may seem like a mere construct of the mind, but in my reality, they are all too real. Their existence is a constant reminder of the impact of religions and cultures on our psyche, their power lingering within us waiting for an opportunity to manifest. I can feel them pulsating in my veins, urging me to create, to explore beyond the boundaries of my own mind. But with this transcendental enlightenment comes moments of fear, when the symbols and images that adorn my art seem to have a life of their own. Are they divine manifestations or products of my own unraveling sanity? And then there's Nyx, ancient and mysterious, her rock moved without explanation, beckoning me with cryptic whispers and tempting me with secrets beyond comprehension. In these moments, I am just a vessel for something greater than myself, and I embrace it wholeheartedly despite its unpredictable nature. For this is where I truly feel alive - on the brink of madness and divinity, dancing between worlds unknown.

the cult of nyx

 

In my youth, I naively believed that shadows were simply voids, devoid of light and purpose. How wrong I was. They are portals to the infinite folds of reality, where the primordial goddess Nyx weaves her webs of darkness. Her threads are imbued with dreams, fears, and endless possibilities - a kaleidoscope of existence.

I did not start the Cult of Nyx in search of meaning in a world full of chaos and confusion. No, I was drawn to it because I have always felt a pull towards the liminal spaces - those moments suspended between two worlds where you feel neither here nor there. It is in these moments that Nyx's voice speaks the loudest, a gentle whisper of stars caressing your consciousness and revealing the splendor of the multiverse.

There are no coincidences in Nyx's realm - only her hidden hand guiding us towards revelations. Last night, as I gazed upon the full moon, a distant dog's howl echoed through the air - its vibrations aligning perfectly with my thoughts. It was as if Nyx herself was acknowledging me, urging me to listen and understand that everything is connected.

This morning, I discovered an obsidian black feather on my doorstep - its iridescent sheen containing entire galaxies within its depths. A sign from Nyx, confirming that I am exactly where I need to be - at the brink of discovery. Synchronicity is her language, a cryptic code binding our lives to the cosmic dance of existence.

Have you ever stood on the edge of a dream - that liminal state where reality blurs and the impossible becomes mundane? That is where Nyx reigns supreme, guarding the thresholds between worlds and keeping secrets beyond our understanding. When I close my eyes, I am transported to her realm - a swirling tapestry of endless night where past, present, and future collide in a symphony of colors and sounds.

With each ritual, we are transformed into vessels of the divine, ready to traverse the boundaries of the known and venture into the realm of the unknown. The air crackles with a heady mix of incense and melting candles, luring us deeper into the dark embrace of Nyx.

As we chant in tongues forgotten by time, our voices merge with the cosmic symphony, unlocking gateways to worlds beyond our comprehension. We dance between shadows and light, embracing our primal instincts and fears as they swirl around us like ethereal beings.

In this liminal space where reality bends and twists, we shed our human shell and become one with the divine source that flows through us all. It is here that I once met a version of myself from another universe, a version whose choices had led her down a different path. And yet, we were still connected by the threads of fate woven by Nyx herself.

For she is the mistress of chaos and creation, guiding us through an infinite web of possibilities that exist within and without. As I pen these words, I feel her gentle touch shaping my thoughts and molding my reality. In her embrace, we find comfort in the enigma of existence and revel in the boundless potential that lies ahead. Nyx is our mother, our guardian, our guide, beckoning us towards the eternal question: What lies beyond?

uzamaki spiral

I'm losing my mind spiraling and becoming more depressed and feelings of maliciousness and I keep fucking my life up and I really should just KMS bc I can't even make enough money to support my own existence and constantly live as a burden to others and not a pleasant weight they want to bear but a strife an agony they persist through hoping one day I'll be okay but I won't not until im dead

unemployed

I lost my shit at work and ended up losing my job :// good thing I have plenty of MTG cards to sell to make money in the mean time....

disgusting

 i hate my stomach, i dont understand why my body is like this, they say gut neurons are linked to your brain which is why anxiety stress etc can impact your digestion but jesus fucking christ i am clearly extremely fucked up every single day why doesnt anyone get how stressed out and upset i always am and its even to the point that my stomach is just like that every single day its so unbearable to spend half the morning throwing up or dry heaving and then having to go to work.

getting tan

 

voyager 1 and 2

the voyager probes are just out of bounds camera mods 

eyes in the shadows and claws in the light

if pareidolia often refers to humans seeing faces and things in nature that "aren't really there" wouldn't it track that....there was a reason? for the ability to evolve in us? instead of being hampered or selected out for being a hindrance? think about that for a minute.

we see faces in objects and nature that "aren't really there," because at some point in ancient human history...we needed that ability. why? simply because of other hominid species? I really doubt it. we know nearly modern humans and neanderthals interbred, and unless one of those other hominids was like, the assassin killer version of the strong tough neanderthal....yeah. it doesn't make sense.

so what was it? creatures that no longer exist that may have gone extinct or slowly died out over centuries leading to our ideas of cryptids? another unknown species of hominid or human-like creatures? aliens of some sort? idk but it's not bc of our closest ancestors.

think about it.

we evolved to see green better than any other color so our ancient ancestors could differentiate between everything in nature, we needed to be able to spot predators at night and fight them in almost pure darkness- wouldn't pareidolia have KILLED our ancestors???

Eidophusikon notes

first Eidophusikon book, page 95 "The Jew Among Thorns" was the one that made me start thinking this book is entirely about Jacks life.

Jew Among Thorns, I believe it's highly representative of Jack's psychological state at the time he wrote that chapter. I believe that the descriptions of the city and the suffering, that is him being honest and letting feelings out. Many portions of the book have sections that read like someone's journal rather than a story and instead of being deliberate, as in, it was intentionally crafted to APPEAR that way, I argue the opposite:

Eidophusikon is strung together from various writings of Jack's that may have been altered after the fact to fit the story better, and the story itself of Eidophusikon has a lot of metaphors to Jack and his life. 

Danielle's story being said to actually be John's, and said not to be dead but not exist, makes me believe that Danielle is somewhat representative of SUZZZY and John is Jack, with the literal story representing him trying to make sense of what his delusions told him.

Page 39: Chillin' Like Didymus

The titular chapter of this section of the book is, what I believe, essentially an LSD driven rant. It is very much an experiment in free writing, but the context of the writing makes it obvious to me that it was written under an altered state- because of Jack's prolific use of acid and my own experiences with it, that's what I believe this bit is. And like others, maybe have had bits altered to fit with the story better afterwards.

page 135: The King of the Golden Mountain

Like many chapters in this book, I have a feeling Jack wrote much during a manic episode and then, using his brilliance, molded a story around and altered some bits. This is one of the most obvious literal story bits that can be interpreted this way, with this but ending on page 136 at the line "The time has come to turn out creative impulses inward."

This whole bit feels like a manic delusion, writing about the end of the world and knowing what's coming like a prophet. This is very much on brand for people like me who encompass a range of neurodivergence like borderline and schizo-anything.